L'amour: The Second Hand Emotion

One of the most obscurely used terms for a certain emotion is love.This post is dealing with the special sect of love. The romantic Love. The movie screen, grand and cliched love.  Back in the 90s, most of the movies, in Bollywood, had a central theme of love. The story of the movie was essentially bound around this very emotion. As the trend changed the central theme of movies varied as well. Frankly, that really baffled me as a child because all I had known about movies in India, during my few years on earth, was it had to have a love story. Lacking that would feel like something was missing. #HopelessRomantic from the start.

The basic theme of love as the center of a story is somehow a product of Shakespeare's work and popularity. His play the Romeo and Juliet is the epitome of the given standard of romantic love. There were, of course, many older texts based on love, but none were so swelled with the passion of Love. Romeo and Juliet placed romantic love on a pedestal of emotions.

The inception of the idea of love, as such, with a goal of "lived happily ever after" became a part of our society. Marriages were slowly replaced, from the classic economic and social tool to a fulfillment of one's emotional need of a perfectly suitable partner. Love was no longer a reasonable 'dealing' with families involved. Love broke free from the clutches of idealistic orders to a rebellion of following one's heart.

It was the brilliance of Shakespeare to identify the emotional, psychological and social state of people of that time and bringing it all together in a dynamic manner. During the time of Shakespear people were being diagnosed with the psychological sicknesses. He took that tragedy of the human condition and made something quite profound. Something that is an exhibition of his excel in human behavior.

The behavior of a person towards love is innate. However, the culture of the expression of that love has environmental influences. Shakespear made love, The love as we know it nowadays. The emotion we see expressed so passionately shown in movies and books. What was express the contemporary romantic love is what we learn from the society and culture around us. In a way, the means of expression is handed over to us. It is a second-hand emotion. The feeling is intrinsic, but its execution is culture driven.

Here is an idea that I would like to propose, In a way, this romantic love diminished the idea of 'self'. It occurred to me that my regular catching up with my friends often involved questions on my well being followed by inquiries about my relationship status. These casual queries are pretty common for singles. / Cut to: A soft  nudge on the elbow in a wedding with a whisper "You Are Next!"/ Ugh! Spare me the cringe.

It has become a task, a goal to achieve as basic as graduating high school. It also took away the individualistic identity of a human. People start looking for "soulmates" in order to "complete" themselves. As if something vital for their existence is missing. We already are complete and fully functional beings. Romanticism hijacked love and made it a project. Love is no longer just a feeling like other feelings it is a glorified goal.

Our evolutionary and unconscious goal, as a species, is to carry on the life. Regardless of the romanticization that would have gone on. This idea of romantic love addresses our core question of being. Why are we here? The idea of romantic love also helps us cope with it. We justify it, when we are in love, as the prime source of satisfaction and meaning of life. Our existential crisis of the meaning of life is assuaged by it. This belief gives a grand start to a relationship.  

On the contrary, to make a relationship survive one has to put this idea of love in the backseat. Both parties need to work on the relationship constantly to make it work. It often happens that one person becomes the 'taker' and other becomes the 'giver'. Eventually, such dynamics collapse and the relationship falls apart. For love to last and be truly fulfilling it has to be balanced throughout the duration of its course.

We often hear that the essence of love is trust and compromise. Nothing is idealistic, both people in one way or other need to be compliant to make the ends meet. The trust in not only that your partner will not turn into a jerk and cheat on you. The trust that when you put altruistic efforts into the relationship they will make sure you don't lose yourself in those attempts. They will make sure that it is fair to you. With that thought, I will end the blog with a quote from a book I recently read.

"Against all the evidence of his senses, 

a man who is in love declares that 'I' and 'you' are one, 

and is prepared to behave as if it were a fact.” 

~Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents

What Is your opinion on love? Let me know in comment section below.

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Eudaimonia: The Upbeat Background Emotion

The material possessions and things that we achieve in life don’t give us the consistent feeling of happiness. The foreground happiness is fragile, as it should be. I mean, who would want to be happy all the time? I don’t! I want to feel all the possible fragments of emotions throughout the duration of my life. None of them should entirely cloud my emotional state throughout. 

Still, in the vaguest way, we all desire something in life. Something that is not quite tangible ... it is a state of mind that gives us the ultimate satisfaction of a life well-lived. The euphoria of getting a new possession dies out in a couple of days, you may think you got used to your new Car. It just doesn't make you feel the same as the moment you first bought it. Likewise. sometimes, relationships fade off to routine after a span of time especially when they are not taken care of routinely by people involved. Regardless the start of it gives us a sense of satisfaction. As if these things are some sort of instant and short -lived doses of that very desire. 

Satisfaction, perhaps, or the pursuit of happiness may be the nearest translation of the greek word Eudaimonia. It cannot be quite translated to the exact sense of the word but we get the gist of it. The state of emotion that we seek in life that makes us feel happy regardless of the instantaneous foreground emotion that we may be tackling. 

Aristotle, Greek Philosopher, Places this idea of Eudaimonia in the terms of being virtuous. I find myself in agreement with Aristotle. Doing the right thing is what makes life satisfactory. But what is the right thing? It appears to be obscure to say “Right thing”. Right thing can be presumed to be subjective. 

Aristotle said it to be the virtue of the golden mean. Pursuing the right balance between two extremes. Let’s take an example of criticism. While criticizing, one must find the balance in approach between the two extremes of sycophantically praising the given subject/object and rejecting the subject/object of criticism in a harsh way. The right balance would be between the two that will lead the criticism in a constructive direction and make room for improvement. In doing so the person who is criticizing is not only helping the person towards whom the critic is being made, but also himself. By doing the virtuous thing he/she is living a eudaimonic life. This principle can be applied in almost every aspect under the sun if we give it a thought ... love, relationships, pursue of goals, chores in everyday life. Eudaimonia is not a state that one reaches in life is the way of life that has to constantly be iterated.

I find this ancient Greek philosophy to be very much in sync with the modern psychology. Namely, Maslow's hierarchy of needs in order to attain self-actualization, but that is a topic for another day. 

What is your opinion on the goals of human life? Do you agree with Aristotle's idea of golden mean or do you have some other measures of defining virtue? Let me know in the comments section. 

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Confessions of an INFJ

MBTI  (Myers–Briggs Type Indicator) assessment is a psychometric questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions. MBTI assessment was developed from the work of prominent psychiatrist Carl Jung in his book Psychological Types.

So I am an INFJ (Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging). INFJs are Quietly forceful, original, and sensitive. Tend to stick to things until they are done. Extremely intuitive about people, and concerned for their feelings. Well-developed value systems which they strictly adhere to. Well-respected for their perseverance in doing the right thing. Likely to be individualistic, rather than leading or following. That said, I understand that emotions and feelings are complicated. These confessions are my own ideas and thoughts. 

So, here is are some Confession of an INFJ's thoughts that I will not tell you otherwise. 

IF you are a friend, you already know that I am a good listener. As an INFJ, I listen not only to people's words, but also body language, expressions, the tone of voice, specific words they used, etc. It instantly takes me to a level where I can almost listen to what they are not saying. I notice the concealed details in the dialog. Even the one they deliberately conceal and the ones they subconsciously do. The combination of my MBTI allows me to a sneak a peek inside their "soul". I cannot help it but judge, however, I understand their standpoint with empathy and my verdicts are more than often restrained to my own self. Their secrets are safe with me. Perhaps, that is why they come back to me for the comfort of being understood. 

I would like to know how that feels, being understood. I do not have many INFJ friends, just one (INFJs are extremely rare statistically). I feel not many people understand that how intricate human emotions are. Emotions, they can tear one's thinking gears apart, they gravitate from so many dimensions. So often people focus on a single feeling or emotion. It is unfair, you see, to the other emotions. As they work in co-ordination and that is when things get complicated to perceive. For example, One may feel angry, envious and awestruck at the same time. Where anger is a predominately negative emotion that is expressed recklessly it is accompanied with envy which is surprisingly a desire to have something that is not within reach of the person. In this scenario, the person expressing the combination is also awestruck with the person he is angry and envious towards. 

The above brief explanation in my typical verbal form would be translated as "You know, stuff ... about feelings". That would be my explanation to you if we had to talk about it. I suck at verbal explanations because I hate small talks, I am Good with expressing myself in written form. Small talks, figuratively, are exhausting. Sometimes it is literally exhausting too. Perhaps, that is why when I get back to my place after the social gathering I take a long bath (to scrape off all the social dust from my body!) and head right back to my room with a "Do Not Disturb" sticky note on my door.

What do I do inside, My room? I do a lot of things inside I paint, I dance, I lip-sync "I Dreamed a Dream..." ( my all time favourite dramatic lip-sync song ever), I study, I read books, I smell books ... It energises me to be alone. I am a typical Introvert who enjoys walking alone on an isolated beach, collecting the weirdest shaped coral rocks and shells.

I may not enjoy it to an equal degree if people were there. I cannot help but pick the subconscious flashes of their soul and that is just so unnecessary and draining. Unless I like them, and want to comfort them by listening to them and letting them pour out what is bothering them. Letting them feel understood. Ah! I so long to feel understood myself. I only let a few people get inside my circle of friendship. To everyone else I am the girl who is reserved and dis-interested. I indeed am, aggressively disinterested in most of the people.

But if someone has managed to step in my circle of friendship, it was because at first they and I got to spend some one on one time and I liked them enough to feel comfortable talking to them.  And they, in turn, feel I have a keen awareness of their feelings. I am quite patient and protective towards my friends. As an INFJ, I can "read" through people and can take advantage of this ability but I don't though I think I could use it in my favour. But that would be unethical. Ethics, I have a strong set of principles have developed based on my life and experience so far.

I am passionately driven towards perfection , Not that I achieve it. My pursuit of perfection the reason I never feel any of my paintings is finished, in the back of my head, I often find faults and try to fix them. My room has a perfect layout than cannot be disoriented. I crave for perfection in relations and projects too. 

On the other hand, I am aware that perfection is not realistic, there are always going to be flawed and defects in my things and people and my idealistic judging mind will never fail to point it out screaming. Perhaps I will learn to live with it ( ,in a rather unsatisfied fashion I reckon.). Though I will never stop to analyze ideas and brainstorm to reach that perfection. I often find myself pondering on matters of significance to a middle-ground of a settlement of personal and political issues. I enjoy writing Journals I have a collection of them that I will never let anyone read. I like to read to feel in-sync with the emotion of the protagonist. Even the so-called "unlikeable" characters in fiction win my empathy.  

I don't like to share my plans and goals with people except if I include them in my life in an inseparable manner. Some of those presumed inseparable people have failed me, perhaps because I have being biased in understanding their motives. If you someone has been in my circle of "comfortable-with-people" and has been dropped out. It is a classic case of "INFJ Door Slam". It is this part of a relationship with me when they have received the worse thing they, as an ex-friend, can receive. It is "you are dead to me" place where I put the people who have disregarded me in the utterly most unthinkable way. There is no coming back from the INFJ door slam. 

In the defence of the door slam, I have been so fed up with their lies (as I can hear their body screaming lies) that I have given up on any repercussion. I have seen something so repulsive that I cannot restrain but have to make an opinion on. The unconscious and/or conscious disregard they have displayed is not ignore-able anymore. I may think about letting them in but each weighing-in process of re-considering their accused conduct make it firm in my heart that they were guilty and It saddens me. I do not want to be feeding on sadness. So they are stripped of the honor of friendship and have been door-slammed. 

Ugh! Talking about door slamming has taken me off my "Train of Thoughts". I will end my INFJ confessions at this point. Hope you learnt something about your own INFJ Friend and acquaintance via my confessions. Share thought about your MBTI type. 

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To find out your own MBTI type take the quiz here (Unofficial)

PS. As I am writing this post very early in the morning. I am Simultaneously sipping some Turkish coffee and listening to Mozart's Soave Sia ... Yup, I am one of those People.

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