PERHAPS

It was an awful morning; I woke up alone and lost. I cannot remember when I slept; it must be 6 am or so. I can recall consciously looking at the wall clock reading 5 am. The second’s hand was rushing to eternity. I don’t have the clock that ticks in my bed room. My watch is always in a hurry but perhaps, I never noticed that both the clocks (i.e. the one that ticks and the one that runs) move at the similar pace

Last night was not the first time when I slept weeping silently on my bed. I am blessed with plenty of such nights. This has happened earlier too. It is awful because in those times I needed someone to hold me so that I could fall asleep but I have no one to cuddle, so I just curl up and cry with sleep deprived eyes. Wishing and begging to god for some sleep so that I could vanish in my dream and never have to wake up and face another awful morning.

I had two dreams that night. In the first dream something really good happened, my uncle who is paralyzed was walking around in his office. Setting up on some new business project and was high on life it was great!

In the second dream I was walking in search of something upon a bridge, it was apparently leading towards infinite limits but I could not reach to the place I was heading. I was stuck on finding the bridge broken. I leaned to see the landscape beneath, which seem like a volcanic magma but the temperature was chilling. I sat hanging my legs upon the black, red and orange molten rocks underneath the beautiful sky.

I woke up to a sound of rain pouring heavily on the window pane. I lay still for a long time wondering … nothing at all. On deliberately scanning my mind, I realized that for the first time maybe, I was not thinking anything. It took me back to the time when my physics teacher told us while trying to teach up how to meditate that, it is apparently not possible to track mind when it’s ideal unless one is in deep meditation state. I was certainly not in deep speculation may be I was just exhausted!

I sluggishly crawl out of my bed and cleaned my room. That’s the first thing I do every morning. I never get satisfied with other people’s cleaning skills for my room. Only I know how to clean the mess that I created.

I was still lost as I took bath. I wrapped a robe around my body and moved to the bedroom to get dressed. I should dress up to go out but yet another day, I gave up the plan. I put on loose tees and moved to the dinning, sat on the chair and pretended to read news paper. I held my head and buried myself in the newspaper.

I realized that I was just staring at the rag when my vision got blurred with tears. I finely broke down and placed my hands on my face. My hands were sticky as they touched my face. I felt my hair were sticky too I soon realized I forgot to rinse of the conditioner.

I moved into the bathing chamber and stood beneath the shower for eon of time.  I heard a pungent sound, when I turned and saw the exhaust moving in eccentric manner. Apparently something had hit the fan, when I noticed a fur slowly floating towards the ground.

I did not care to see if the bird was killed or injured. I do not care about it whatever it was. Even if it was killed or still have to slog with the daily struggle of survival. Did the bird cared how I was feeling.

A thought of sharp edge of knife came to my mind and I had a thought of slashing my wrist. I may die may not die but certainly deserve to get hurt. I always thought it was very insane to do such an act of self destruction.

I still cannot believe that the reason impelling to such a disaster. It’s because of stuff that I love; I am sitting at the edge of life and thinking about destroying myself.  I don’t care what the f*** people may think about but is not the one facing this 

Author’s note; Perhaps, to be continued…